Christmas hasn’t really felt like Christmas for me in a while. I feel as though the older we get, the more bitter we are. Everything is a hassle. Everyone hates the packed malls. Everything is a “waste of time and money”. We’re all a bunch of Grinches and no one seems to enjoy anything about the holidays.

I used to look forward to decorating the tree with my family. Shopping for presents. Blasting Christmas music throughout the house. Having the big dinners with family and friends. It all sort of came to a stop at some point, and I’m not even sure why.

This year though, I figured it would be nice to try and turn things around a little. Without my brother and my dad around, the holidays started to feel even more depressing. And while it was a bit last minute, I’m quite happy with how the white elephant shindig turned out with my group of friends. Everyone is so busy these days with their own schedules and what not… I’m actually kind of shocked it turned out so well. From Matt letting us use his newly renovated basement, to people actually showing up on a Monday (two days before Christmas) and actually participating in the white elephant gift exchange… It was good. Next year, better. I hope. Baby steps. Merry Christmas!

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Do you ever have one of those nights where you lay in bed questioning yourself, the decisions you make, the friends you have, and the SO you’re with?

It’s strange how one insignificant conversation can suddenly make you over think.

Life can always be better it seems. If only this. If only that.

Since my grandma left, I feel as though my life has been a constant struggle to find myself. I was happy and then I wasn’t and then I was and then I wasn’t (repeat).

I guess you can say that I try to march to my own drum a lot now. If I want to do something a certain way, I will. I’m stubborn in so many ways, but make exceptions in so many others. I would like to think that I am pretty easy going. There are things I absolutely know I will never do, but there are a lot of other things that I would be more than happy to try. And that’s the way it should be right?

I know that there are aspects about me that frustrate people and it makes the “good girl” in me feel a little depressed. But when these aspects (no matter how tiny) make me feel happy, then who are you to take that away? Why can’t you be happy with me or for me? Maybe it’s silly/childish, but it makes me happy. Small things make me happy. If you got a problem with it, bring it up with me instead of going behind my back and talking about it with others. I’m not a bitch. I don’t lack the ability to compromise. /rant

As a child, I never knew what it was like to be picked last in P.E. class. Forgive my lack of modesty, but I was always good enough or popular enough to not be the last one standing. And the closest that I ever felt to it was from watching movies and seeing the expression on that one kid’s face who no one wanted. That one kid where a team would rather play one man short than bring onto the roster.

[Enter Gaming]

I did not grow up gaming. One, being my parents wouldn’t allow it. And two, being I’m a girl, which supposedly makes it socially unacceptable (or weird). I don’t have the mechanics to game. I’m not very good. I improve at snail pace. I play just to have fun, which ultimately means I lose more than I win. Despite all this, I actually enjoy it.

But no matter how happy I am to play, the buzz eventually dies when I can hear the frustration in the voices of my teammates/friends. I’m positive that if there was a team pick as in sports during P.E. class, I would be that one kid who no one wants. It is kind of really stupid that I should even be affected by any of this, but I actually get real fucking depressed sometimes. That is why I never really ask friends to play unless they ask me because you’d think that if they asked me, they wouldn’t get pissed when I suck. Most of the time they don’t, but after a few losing games, I’d rather rot in a hole than have to talk to anyone for the rest of the night. Bold assumptions, I know. But a person thinks what they feel, and my feelings tell me that I should just give it up if I ever want to be happier.

I think I’m better off playing candy crush where no one can ridicule my tactics and how I refuse to move on to the next level until I get all three stars. GGNORE.

I’m experimenting with a few things on my blog, so if you’re a Facebook friend of mine, then you probably already saw this. And if you’re a Starcraft player, then you probably know what this thing is below.

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I’ve always considered myself to be fairly crafty, but I’ve been feeling super crafty this year and the Overlord was by far the hardest project I’ve ever done. Partly because I winged the entire template, and partly because I tackled this baby as my second sewing project. Looking back, there are a lot of things I could have done to make it look way better. I kind of blame the fact that I couldn’t find the right color felt for the detailing, so I used normal fabric, but I could have tried a different color scheme. Oh wells. If anyone wants to know how they can make this for themselves, I sadly don’t have a template available, but I can let you know what you will need.

  • Dark purple fabric (for the body)
  • Light purple felt (for the ears, side and front detailing)
  • Black felt (for the eyes)
  • Buttons to attach the 8 tentacles
  • A lot of stuffing

When I can’t buy what I need to buy, I usually end up making it. But when I make things, I always give it away. I’m sure one day, I will start making things to keep. hurlurlurhurlur.

So, I had to work this weekend in Seattle, but I suppose it was all worth it because on our way back, we stopped by the outlets. I went into Nike, as I always do, to buy some new workout gear, and I finally found an XS pair of shorts in my yellow and in the exact style I wanted them in.

The first time I saw them must have been two years ago, but they didn’t have it in my size. I must have went to the outlets at least four times since then hunting for them and I finally got my hands on it today.

UGH. So happy! I also picked me up a new black tee to replace my old and a pair of spandex shorts. Work out gear is so much cheaper down south. Actually, three items costed me ~$75 USD. That’s kind of expensive now that I think of it. Could be worst though. Better catch some zzz’s for another Monday to Friday work week. peace out!

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If you know me, you know that I have the worst body temperature of all time. I cannot, for the life of me, wear anything without the fear of breaking out in massive amounts of sweat from simply walking, regardless the distance.

I’ve learnt over the years to just not give a rats ass anymore and not be all embarrassed about what people might think of me. As long as I don’t stink right? But still, I try really hard to not sweat.

This problem obviously gives me a lot of grief and stress when it comes to going out and figuring out what to wear, especially in the Fall and Winter seasons when it’s crazy cold outside and crazy warm inside. My body does not handle the transition from freezing to warm very well. It’s like an instant sweat trigger. That is why I am a huge fan of layers. Layers and very thin jackets, which is hard to find. At least hard to find in a style that I like. Queue… my new jacket! It looks a lot better when worn unzipped, which is okay with me because zipping up would probably make me sweat…

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The best part about it is that it has some neon yellow designs on the inside. It’s like the jacket was secretly made just for me. OK BYE!

To be worthy of the title “Best Friend” in my life isn’t easy. And it’s not because I see myself as a more superior being who is too good for anyone, but more from personal experiences that led to this uneasy feat.

In all honesty, I sometimes don’t believe that I even have a “Best Friend”. The title of having a best friend seems very elementary to me and it’s probably because the two friends that I consider to be a best friend are from my elementary days. Yes, these two friends are still in my life, but no, I do not get to see them as often as I would like.

When you Google “Best Friend”… here’s what you get.

best friend

Web definitions
the one friend who is closest to you.

The word closest is a little fuzzy in my books. Some people would say it means that you and your BFF will do everything together. Tell each other everything. Talk everyday about important stuff or useless stuff. When something good or bad happens, they are the first person you think of telling. Does that define my relationship with my best friends? Not really. Does that mean they aren’t my best friends? I don’t really know. I’d like to think not. And I definitely won’t sit here and lie to myself that my vision of a best friend wasn’t exactly what I wrote above. I can easily blame how I was raised by strict parents, which limited my ability to actually do “everything” with a BFF, but it appears the older I get, the more I see things in a different light.

The truth is no two people are alike. My interests, my hobbies, my career choice, my likes and dislikes. The path I chose and the path my best friends chose are nowhere close to similar, yet, whenever we do make time for each other, I can still tell them everything and that has got to count for something right?

Being best friends, to me, is more than just doing everything together. A best friend will always be there at the right times, and will always let you walk your own path. And if you matter to them as much as they matter to you, your paths will always cross every so often and you can pick up exactly where you left off.

It’s either this, or I’m trying to make myself feel better about the recent departure of a best friend. She left the country, but she’s always been an ambitious one. I couldn’t be happier for her and I know our paths will cross again. BFFs.

I’ve been taking a break from StarCraft lately. I always tell myself that it’s only a game and I play it for the sake of having something fun to do at home, but it actually stresses me out quite a bit when I’m not winning as much as I think I should be (1v1).

Instead, I’ve been playing GW2 again. Doing all the jumping puzzles and discovering the new lands that were added so that I can get 100% map completion again. Yeah, I’m a huge sucker for being a perfectionist and collecting everything. I guess you can say that I’m not really playing games the way they are intended to be played. People love the PvP aspect of GW and doing dungeons and farming for shit crazy armor. And then there’s me… a level 80 guardian named kalories jumping up and down rocks and falling to my death or drowning in water for the 100th time trying to get the puzzle achievement. And when I get it, I /dance by the treasure chest in proud accomplishment. Nerdy, I know.

Then, when I’m bored with playing by myself… I’ll log onto LoL because it seems I always have at least one or two friends on this game to play with. Queue up and pick my only go-to character, Annie, and randomly smash buttons hoping to get a spiral. People yell at me, but I never pay attention to the chat box because my gaming vision doesn’t span very far across the screen much at all.

I wish I had fast internet so that I could stream my games and get donations for food. Maybe my face could land me a job in eSports. A girl can dream. GG.

It was brought to my attention earlier this week that my StarCraft career is going to be HUGE. Where my rank is currently sitting, it makes me better than 20,000 people. Goddamn, I’m so good. VOID RAYS ALL IN. GG WP.

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I’ve come to realize that attachment is more powerful than it may seem. And depending on the person, not knowing how to handle such a thing can sometimes knock you down pretty hard.

The worst thing about attachment is that it can sometimes blind you from what your mind already knows. Your unwillingness to part with a stuff animal is not because you love the stuff animal, but because having it in your life helps you to remember all the good times you’ve shared with it growing up. And not just with it alone, but all the other stuff animals you played “tea parties” with. The idea of donating them away to another human doesn’t sit well in your stomach because you can’t bare to see another human have them. And so you become attached.

Yeah, I know… this is kind of common sense. Something anyone can conclude on.

But I suppose what finally hit me is that it’s not about the one stuff animal anymore, it’s about all of them. And when I made that realization, it made dealing with attachment a bit easier to understand.

For the record, no one will ever get my giant pooh bear and I will never ever part with it. If you’ve ever seen it in my room, you’d know why. ok bye.