I was going to blog about something random today, but when I logged onto my dashboard, I think Google Analytics was trying to tell me something.
Untitled-1 Well… Fuck. I didn’t really want to blog today anyways. Bye.
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IMG_20140501_101343_CleanFive years ago, today. It’s been five years already and I still can’t help but feel a little empty. Sad. I can’t help but remember how my first and last word to her that day was “No” when she asked if I wanted wontons for breakfast. I loved wontons. I used to eat 20 in one sitting and now the thought of wontons remind me of her. How I said “No”. How five minutes after that “No”, I heard the loud thump; A moment so vivid that I can’t seem to ever forget. Not even five years later.

I miss her fried rice. I miss how she repeats the alphabet and spells the days of the week and the months in a year over and over again. I miss how she always gives me super girly hair ties or shares candy from her pockets as if I was always five years old. I miss her.

I have God to thank that my brother was there with me that day in the house; To not have to go through that moment alone. My life changed so much ever since that day and I’m so happy to have had him with me. This is our little yearly tradition. I don’t know if anyone else is as close to their grandparents as we were to our grandma, but if you are… and if they’re still around, give them a hug and tell them you love them. The feels are worth it.

Stereotypes. They exist because we make them exist.

Case 1: The Gamer.
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I saw a meme the other day that spoke a lot of truth. Occasionally, you meet a random oddball who thinks that Gamers are the absolute nerdiest, ugliest, dirtiest, laziest people to ever walk this earth. If you watch South Park, you’ll know the guy on the left. And if you watch The OC, you’ll know the guy on the right. They are both Gamers on their respective shows, yet, we judge them differently because one guy obviously puts himself together a whole lot better than the other. “Seth is a Gamer. He’s probably really shy. OMG, he’s so cute.” versus, well… I’m sure you can guess what people would say about the other guy. A bit extreme, I know. I’m keeping this one short because it leads me to my next case.

Case 2: The Pervs.
I would like to think that I’m pretty aware when it comes to men. More so than most girls out there at least. I am not the type to bitch if my man says another girl is pretty or hot. Heck, I check them out too. The only reason I’ll ever be upset is if I don’t get equal compliments back because then I’ll question why the fuck are you with me if you only ever talk about other girls. If this describes your relationship, then you deserve better. Back to my case… I know guys of all ages check girls out. I would be worried if they didn’t. And yes, I do often find old men extremely pervy for checking out girls half their age. Why? Because they do it in the creepiest, most non subtle way. And if you’re 40+ using phrases like, “Yo, she was a hot piece of ass”, then you’re also going to be labeled a Perv. Either that, or a douche because no girl wants to hear that shit, especially if you’re in a relationship. When you’re past 30, girls want a classier man than someone who still talks like they’re 20. And if you’re 40+, hunting down the LGs, I pray to God that you’d be more mature and have better game than that anyways. Attractive, pretty, beautiful; All acceptable words and probably won’t make you a Perv. How guys talk between guys, I can care less because I won’t hear anything to make me judge you differently. It goes back to how well you put yourself together and how you present yourself to others. Justifying yourself to a girl by saying, “This is just how guys are”, isn’t a legit excuse. /end random thought

When I sense depression or sadness or anger, I don’t know what to say or do. In fact, I get really awkward and start to panic. I want to help, but I also don’t want to give those dreaded generic responses… “It will be okay.” Yeah? Will it really?

Depending on the person, I try to choose my words very carefully. Sometimes, I don’t choose words at all and just change the topic to take their mind off whatever it is that is bothering them. And sometimes I just ctrl, alt, delete. Abandon ship until they snap out of their funk. It’s terrible, I know. But I realized over the past few years that I cared so much about how others felt that I neglected myself. It comes natural to me to try and cheer someone up and when I can’t, I feel defeated.

Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t stopped caring. I think about my friends all the time whenever I sense that something is off. I also know that depression is a serious state that not many people know how to handle, i.e. me. But, I came across this quote the other day about Eeyore. And for whatever reason, it kind of gave me a whole new way of looking at these delicate situations. Perhaps sometimes, the answer is not to try and fix a person (because obviously no one can fix anyone but the person themselves).

I know for myself, I never expect someone to give me a solution to being happy. But rather, to just be around. To listen. To try and understand. And then offer to wreck shit up with me. Maybe.

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“One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyways, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.”

Ok bye!


You’re the reason why we can write a different story…

As happy as I may seem at times, a part of me is in a constant struggle. I can’t even describe why I feel this way. And the worst part about this struggle is the way it affects my relationships. When I can’t explain it for myself, how can I explain it to those who try to understand? So I fall into this silence. Being completely random to avoid conversing down a path with a no through road.

But if it counts for anything at all, you putting up with it, refusing to quit, and trying to break down the walls I’ve got up means more than you know… so Thank You.

Every relationship has flaws. I mean, no one is perfect right? Lately, I’ve been trying to understand my relationships. I sift through my memory bank with everyone in my life and try to link them to something I love or don’t love about them; I link them to something about myself because, by simply knowing them, they changed me in some way or form that I might not always acknowledge. But the hardest link, by far, is my relationship with my mom.

Movies and television shows are terrible examples, but when I look at my friends and their relationships with their mom, I can’t help but wonder how mines went so wrong. She drives me crazy. Her traditional ways and irrational thinking. Her logic and expectations. I try so hard to understand her, but I just end up infuriated. I’ve tried talking and explaining. I’ve tried using soft voices and firm voices. Nothing works. “I got it from my Mama”, some would say. For me… I still don’t know what I got from her because we’re so different. Perhaps my cleanliness? Does that count? No. Because even if it did, my mom still thinks I’m a slob.

Despite everything, one day, I’ll prove her wrong and right all at the same time. Wrong that she ever doubted and hated every decision I made, but right that her irrational parenting ways still somehow managed to shape me into a good person.

In the end, family is family. I can complain and bitch, but you can’t. ok bye!

Nothing new here, but I read something recently along the lines of, “Those who don’t care get what they want, and those who do, don’t”. There is also a saying about the happiest girls you meet are all bitches.

Well that’s shitty. It’s not a surprise to those who know me that I care a lot. I care more than I should and it probably makes me appear weak. And I’m evidently not a bitch. I bottle up a lot inside and over think a lot of situations. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to say the things I think, but it’s so hard.

When you’re raised a certain way your whole life, it’s hard to change. That’s not to say you can’t because I’ve witnessed a lot of people who broke free, but for me, it’s hard.

I already know what you guys will say.
– “Stop complaining and do something about it.”
– “That’s life.”
– “Suck it up then, Sunshine.”
– “Shit won’t fix itself.”

Believe me. I try really hard to not complain to you guys. And when I do, it’s not because I am seeking for advice, I just need to vent and get words out of my system so that I can make room for more. I’m not a bottomless pit with an endless supply of patience. This is just how I deal with things, so I apologize for all the rants.

I got a whole year to work on changing things up again because 2013 obviously went nowhere. OK no, that’s a lie. There were plenty of good that came out of 2013. But more would be nice. ok bye!

Happy New Year!

I have to admit, this holiday has been the most relaxing holiday since graduation. Despite being sick with bronchitis for 3 weeks, the down time away from work and simply resting at home was desperately needed. Could have been better, but let’s not complain.

The damages that my wallet incurred kind of hurts the soul a little, but so worth it! I had only one goal this holiday, which was to purchase new workout gear for the new year. I don’t know about you, but aside from seeing progress and feeling healthier and stronger… having nice shit to wear keeps me so motivated. Maybe it’s a girl thing. Or a me thing. If I’m going to be drenched in sweat, at least be drenched in style. Workout gear ain’t cheap though. And while the trip down to the States helped with the cost, I got slightly sidetracked by walking into Kate Spade. Can’t say no to 60% off when I’ve been looking for a new bag for work. No more spending for the next while.

My new workout gear:
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My new bags for work and gym:
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New Year resolutions? Not really big on making any, but I suppose I can always continue down the path of making sure I keep doing things that make me happy and focus less on feeling guilty about how others feel. I am determined to make 2014 a good year! ok bye!

Christmas hasn’t really felt like Christmas for me in a while. I feel as though the older we get, the more bitter we are. Everything is a hassle. Everyone hates the packed malls. Everything is a “waste of time and money”. We’re all a bunch of Grinches and no one seems to enjoy anything about the holidays.

I used to look forward to decorating the tree with my family. Shopping for presents. Blasting Christmas music throughout the house. Having the big dinners with family and friends. It all sort of came to a stop at some point, and I’m not even sure why.

This year though, I figured it would be nice to try and turn things around a little. Without my brother and my dad around, the holidays started to feel even more depressing. And while it was a bit last minute, I’m quite happy with how the white elephant shindig turned out with my group of friends. Everyone is so busy these days with their own schedules and what not… I’m actually kind of shocked it turned out so well. From Matt letting us use his newly renovated basement, to people actually showing up on a Monday (two days before Christmas) and actually participating in the white elephant gift exchange… It was good. Next year, better. I hope. Baby steps. Merry Christmas!

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