For the past few weeks, I’ve been struggling to do something I’ve never done before. Count calories. Counting calories to the extreme and working out every chance I get.

From googling everything I put into my mouth, to pre-planning what I should order if I know I have to eat out, to showing up at a BBQ with friends with no intentions on eating. I’m fortunate to say that I’ve never had a weight issue, but I never had that bikini bod either. I was very, very average. I didn’t love the way I looked, but the way I looked also wasn’t bad. I was just average.

The heaviest I’ve ever been in my life was months after my grandma passed away, 5’5″ and hovering between 130-135 lbs. Sleepness nights and food for comfort, typical coping mechanisms.

The Hawaii diet is what I keep telling myself and others for my behavior of late. In a way, it was a challenge for myself to see if I had the discipline to resist food, choose healthier alternatives, and not give in to temptations. Yes, I am seeing results… not exactly to my liking yet, nor will it be in time for Hawaii, but I’m beginning to worry a little. Worried because I don’t know if these results will lead me into a rabbit hole I don’t want to go down.

It’s a little scary when I find myself calculating in my head how much damage eating something will do to my progress. When I indulge a little, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. When I can’t gym because I have a commitment elsewhere, I feel frustration. I’m physically drained and mentally tired. I’ve never felt this type of fatigue before; Happy in some ways, unhappy in others. Is it worth it? Will I be able to find a happy medium? I hope someone will care enough to catch me before and if I fall into a hole I’m too blinded to see. /rambles

Time flies. I might not know much about the future or where my path will lead me, but I think when I grow old, I’m going to be just like her. I want to be the one who always has candy in her pockets to share. I want to be just as caring, giving, and patient as her; As strong and forgiving. I miss her dearly. /day

Maybe it’s that time of month again, or maybe it’s almost May 1st, or maybe I’m just broken. I have some good days for a good period of time where I’m feeling good. But lately, I’m just not feeling good enough.

I let things build up. Things explode a little. I lay low for a while. Back to normal. Repeat. One of my worst habits. I don’t enjoy talking about anything in particular and especially not my feelings because I feel confronted all the time. If there is one thing I love, it’s to avoid conflict. On most days, I don’t even like talking about other people’s feelings because I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know what to say. I give awkward emoticon hugs that look like high fives.

Not good enough as a friend. Not good enough as a daughter. Not good enough as a girlfriend. Not good enough in sports. Not good enough in life.  Not good enough.

The strangest thing? I feel good enough for myself. But, I feel as if there is this splinter dug deep into my back in that one area my hands can’t reach. A splinter that makes me doubt whether or not I really am good enough because I need to be good enough for someone else. And as much as I know that I shouldn’t care about how others think of me, the reality is that it matters. It matters a little, and that little bit is all it takes. /thoughts

Do you think it’s possible to be spoiled without even knowing? Are you still a good person if you are selectively nice to one person and not to another? Can opposites really attract? What human characteristic determines whether a person is confident versus arrogant? Since when did having a soft heart become a negative trait?

The older you get, the harder it is to understand.

You don’t let someone get their way and you automatically feel bad. You do something nice even when you don’t want to and you get called out for not having a backbone. You stand up for yourself and don’t do something you don’t want to do and you still get called out for being a bitch, a sell out, no fun, etc… You’re too nice, it’s bad. You’re not nice, it’s bad. How do you know what type of person you are when people can poke holes into everything? /thoughts

I have a lot of conversations in my head. I probably talk to myself more than I talk to my best of friends. And no, it’s likely not healthy. Especially since I’ve been catching myself answering questions in my head rather than out loud.

I guess you can say it sounds lonely. It is, sometimes. But words can be so harsh. Words don’t always come out the way it was meant to. Words trigger feelings you never wanted to express or induce. Yet, words are so essential to life.

Words don’t come to me easily. I require time. I require reflection. I require a cool down period. /thoughts

So, so, so good. Cover Project by YG. It’s been a night of catching up with my favourites. Not the best song from YB, but still so good. Even better with the Tablo cover. goodnight!

IMG_20150128_234537I struggle to understand myself when it comes to my birthday, and it has nothing to do with getting old. On the one hand, I feel really awkward when all the attention is on me, but on the other hand I like feeling special. I’m not a fan of throwing myself a huge party. In fact, I prefer the small lunch dates and dinner dates. I like that I can eat with someone and actually connect with them, not just sit at the same table and have multiple conversations happening. But I know in this day and age, people don’t have all the time in the world to go on a handful of dates, so a big dinner party is what ends up happening. And, apparently, it was a must that I celebrate my champagne birthday in some way this year.

I can’t remember the last time I broadcasted my own birthday. I’m tempted to say I never have because I enjoy seeing who cares enough to know when my birthday is. Albeit, most people get tipped off eventually, but even then, if they took the time to send a text, email, or phone to wish me a happy birthday, it means the world. ok bye!

IMG_20141226_174208I think the first time I started going to the gym was in late 2012 and I have the boyfriend to thank for where I am today. The gym was a scary place and he eased me into it slowly. Very slowly. I went from going 2-3 times a month to 4-5 times a week. 2013 is a bit of a blur, but 2014 was the year I decided to really stick with the whole fitness business. I can tell you that four years ago, I would not have been caught dead at a gym. Now, I can’t imagine myself ever skipping out on a gym session.

Anyways, 2014 was the year I learned to squat. I’m not crazy proud of my progress, but for those who know me, I feel really awkward when I have to stick my butt out. I know I can push myself a little harder, so it’ll be a work in progress. As for my 2015 goals, I’ve decided to learn the deadlift. Stay tuned in for my progress report. ok bye!

It’s almost midnight on New Year’s Eve and I can’t help but think, “Thank God”. This year has been terrible. This last month has been terrible. I would like to try and focus on the good, but I can’t because only the bad comes to mind.

Here’s to a better 2015. I hope. ok bye!

IMG_20141220_093352“Gonna go down for work clothes,” says I. After so many shopping trips down south, I should know by now that gym clothes will always out number all other purchases. I have enough outfits to gym 2 times a day, 7 days a week.

I love my Nike. I love contrasting my darks with neon. I love my yellows and anything with yellow trim. Lately, I’ve been buying a lot of sports bras. I don’t even know why I have so many when no one really sees it. I suppose it’s all a part of the motivation package. Everything I put on must make me feel good. When I feel good, it will be a good gym day.

Gym clothes aside, I did bring back a lovely J Crew Camp Shirt that I’m absolutely in love with. I tried an XS on with the intention of buying it for a friend. If it fits tight on me, it would fit her. But then it fit me perfectly. I don’t really know what makes me happier… The fact that I fit into an XS or the fact that I now have a lovely shirt. I’ll try harder next time to actually get work clothes. ok bye.

EDIT: I took out my new J Crew shirt, and it is actually XXS. I think I might just faint.