For the past few weeks, I’ve been struggling to do something I’ve never done before. Count calories. Counting calories to the extreme and working out every chance I get.

From googling everything I put into my mouth, to pre-planning what I should order if I know I have to eat out, to showing up at a BBQ with friends with no intentions on eating. I’m fortunate to say that I’ve never had a weight issue, but I never had that bikini bod either. I was very, very average. I didn’t love the way I looked, but the way I looked also wasn’t bad. I was just average.

The heaviest I’ve ever been in my life was months after my grandma passed away, 5’5″ and hovering between 130-135 lbs. Sleepness nights and food for comfort, typical coping mechanisms.

The Hawaii diet is what I keep telling myself and others for my behavior of late. In a way, it was a challenge for myself to see if I had the discipline to resist food, choose healthier alternatives, and not give in to temptations. Yes, I am seeing results… not exactly to my liking yet, nor will it be in time for Hawaii, but I’m beginning to worry a little. Worried because I don’t know if these results will lead me into a rabbit hole I don’t want to go down.

It’s a little scary when I find myself calculating in my head how much damage eating something will do to my progress. When I indulge a little, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. When I can’t gym because I have a commitment elsewhere, I feel frustration. I’m physically drained and mentally tired. I’ve never felt this type of fatigue before; Happy in some ways, unhappy in others. Is it worth it? Will I be able to find a happy medium? I hope someone will care enough to catch me before and if I fall into a hole I’m too blinded to see. /rambles

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