It’s funny how life works sometimes. One day you’re thinking about potentially going down a new path, and the next you find out you might not even get a choice. Perhaps someone up there heard the struggles going on in my head and decided to implement a plan on my behalf.

At the end of the day, work is work. Surprisingly, I’m not very nervous or upset or scared. In fact, I’m sort of excited to find out what the decision is. The unknown makes life interesting. ok bye!

I’ve been feeling overwhelmingly stressed for the past two months. For the first time in my life, work is causing me to not sleep properly; I get nightmares about projects going wrong. I wake up sweaty and fatigued.

I can feel myself not being mentally there, preoccupied. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be engaged in conversations. I have a short fuse. All I want to do is gym, watch TV, and read (things that take me out of my reality and into a different one).

No, I’m not looking to be somewhere without challenges, but challenges shouldn’t be stressful if you’re doing something you genuinely love, right? Sadly, what I love won’t help me make a living. /bye

The injuries won’t stop coming. Just when I start to feel better with my back, something else decides to bail on me.

I wish I had a more insightful blog to keep the monthly streak alive, but I’ve been trying to lay off the computer and/or reducing time spent on the computer to prevent aggravating my wrist more than it already is. Perhaps this is a sign of old age. Since turning 29 this month hasn’t really hit me mentally or emotional… I guess somebody decided to make me feel something physically instead?

Or, maybe it’s a sign for me to stop pushing myself past my limits. But… no pain, no gain. Game face, strong. There is no room for weakness in front of my enemies (read: surrounding humans). /bye

IMG_20150612_210108“The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, will point blank not like you. But it is also filled with those who will love you fiercely. They are your people. You are not for everyone and that’s OK.”

I came across these words today and I think it might just be the best thing I read all year. And what better way to end 2015 than with this short, yet powerful message to remind us that it’s OK to not be liked.

I realize how negative that sounded on the surface and how it should be common sense to any reasonably-minded person, but reading it randomly in passing somehow made me breathe a huge sigh of relief. It’s OK to not be liked.

I think too often, we don’t spend enough time with ourselves. And too often, we don’t spend enough time with those who love us fiercely. 2016 will be the year where I learn to love myself more and learn who will love me despite all the bumps on the road. /year

I can’t shake this feeling off.

I was always aware, but now it feels as though you’re breathing down my neck and watching everything I do. And I’m not happy.

The sensible side of me knows to not take your words the way my mind is taking them. They are just words and they probably came out the wrong way, but them feels. They are hurting me and I don’t feel like I can be me anymore. I don’t feel like I’m loved. I feel incapable. I don’t feel like this is how things should have to feel. /bye

IMG_20150612_001210Pictures can be deceptive; this is not news to me. They say that some of the happiest people are often the saddest. They say that some of the prettiest girls are most insecure.

My coworkers had a long (negative) spiel this week about selfies. I’m not sure if age made a difference, but they saw two 50 year old women taking selfies together by the bar at the new Nordstrom. They “looked ridiculous” according to my coworker, “are they trying to show off, act young, or be hip”? The conversation led into the topic of an article that was published about how people live an alternate life through their photos. They take pictures of themselves and things in their life that is not who they are. People purchase bottles of Perrier water to keep in their fridge just for show, not to drink. People seriously do this?

I told them that I can’t really be bothered to understand why people do what they do. Yes, I question a lot of pictures posted by people on my social feed, but I can’t say that I care unless the pictures irk me in some way. Yes, I make comments. Yes, I secretly judge. Whether I mean any of the things I say is always up for questioning.

I, too, take selfies and post things I buy or eat. I post random shit, but I don’t think I’m lying to the world as to who I am. I’d like to think that I’m a good person at heart and if I’m happy doing what I do, then I can’t say I care how others see me. Do you? ok bye.

IMG_20150913_093842It’s been about three months since I started going to physiotherapy for my back and this weekend was the first time I went back under the bar since being in rehab. Lifting that bar up on my shoulder was probably the best, yet, worst feeling ever. On the one hand, I was super psyched to get the OK from my physiotherapist to attempt the bar. But on the other hand, my ego deflated faster than a balloon having gone from being able to squat 185lbs to 85lbs. I probably could have added a bit more weight, but didn’t want to risk it on the first day back.

The road to recovery is definitely not easy, both mentally and physically. You have to really put in the time and effort into doing your prescribed exercises no matter how ridiculous they look. And you really have to swallow your pride and ego with not being able to do everything that you once could. I still got a ways to go, but progress is progress and I’m pretty happy with where I’m at. I’ll eventually bounce back to be as strong as the hulk. /smash

IMG_20150812_213903Do you remember your first love?

It’s true what they say, that you can never forget. They were the first to fill your stomach with anxious butterflies; The first to make you shy away in happiness the moment you lock eyes; The first to keep you up all night daydreaming about the what ifs and one days; The first to break your heart into a million pieces.

How many people end up with their first love? Being first is nice, and if you’re lucky enough to be with yours, kudos. People get so caught up with that fairy tale ending, justifying the relationship (or lack of) by saying you can never feel the same way for any other. Well of course not, they were the first, and you can never recreate those first-time feelings. The rush. The excitement. The nerves.

I don’t recall ever telling my first that I loved him. Heck, we were never really together. It was complicated, but I loved him so much and for so long. I loved him when he didn’t even like me. I loved him when he toyed with my feelings. I loved him when he finally loved me back. But, the day he loved me back, was the day I learned to let go. It was the first time I cried myself to sleep wondering if I made the right decision. Perhaps I was a little over dramatic (I was a teenager after all), but my first love taught me to stand up for myself. He taught me that despite the highs, all-time lows, and first-time feelings, it eventually gets to a point where I can’t keep daydreaming that fairy tale ending. It would never have worked out.

The relationships that end up lasting are built with the first love being the foundation. They test your limits and help guide you into finding the right one. God forbid you have to cycle through more than five to get it right, but when you do… it’s worth it. And it’s worth fighting for. /theend

I am feeling a ton of different emotions and trying to stay optimistic. That is all. /post

IMG_20150612_211033I’ve got serious issues. Okay, maybe they’re not that serious, but how it changes my mood is what makes it more serious than it should be. The problem is that I recognize these issues, but can’t stop myself from feeling a certain way about them. And it’s not like me to ever speak up about them because it’s my problem to deal with. Would vocalizing these issues as they happen actually help the situation? Or would I just be seen as some sort of princess/crazy bitch with high demands and expectations? In all fairness, I do think that some of my peeves are very well justified.

So, as if I’m not crazy enough at home with my germaphobic mentality and cleanliness… when on vacation, you can multiply these quirks by 100. 1) Nothing ever touches the hotel floor. 2) I must wear slippers. And if we share a bed and you don’t wear slippers, them feet better not touch me. 3) The bed is pretty much always going to feel dirty to me. 4) Don’t even get me started on the towels. Despite doing everything in my power to feel clean on vacation, I rarely do. And when I don’t feel clean, I don’t like it when people touch me. Not only that, but if I’m feeling dirty, you can’t begin to understand how I would feel about others.

Yeah, I know. I’m crazy.

All problems aside, the trip was good. I learned shit about myself and my relationship that obviously needs work. There was not enough down time as I had hoped for, but whatever. Whenever the second time around is, I can definitely say that it won’t be so touristy. It’ll be a long while before I come back to Hawaii though. Next up, Asia?! /vacation